The Things Kids Say

I have a Sunday ritual. I call it a ritual because I've been doing it for the last 5 or 6 weeks. That counts, right? I make a batch of steel cut oats for the week. (I know, not as bizarre as say... dropping babies... but it's a ritual and it's one I'm willing to do.) One and a half cups of steel cut oats turns nicely into 5 cups of cooked, yummy, filling breakfast food for my 5 days of work.

So yesterday, when I was doing my Sunday ritual on Monday (Memorial Day and all), and trying to figure out who I was going to pawn the extra cup off on (since I wasn't motivated enough to scale the recipe to yield 4 cups), my daughter came into the kitchen. She just turned 3.

I had just finished filling up my 5 little containers when my daughter says "Wow! You got it all in there. Now you gotta take a picture, Mama!" like this is absolutely the most exciting thing ever.

Do you think this food blogging thing is getting out of hand?

I didn't take a picture, but in case anyone is interested:

Weekly Steel Cut Oats
Yields 5 one cup servings

1 1/2 C steel cut oats (I buy these from the gravity bin at Whole Foods... way cheap)
4 1/2 C water
1 1/2 C skim milk (you can definitely make this without milk, I just like it for the extra protein)
pinch of salt

Bring the water and milk to a simmer in a pot. Add the oats in, stir a bit, then let it simmer untouched for 20 minutes. After 20 minutes, stir in the pinch of salt and let it simmer another 10-15 minutes, stirring occasionally. I'll then turn off the burner and just let it sit for a bit to thicken up.

I like to measure it out evenly into Ziploc containers and store them in the fridge for the week. Then each morning I'll decide what I'm in the mood to add and throw it on top. When I get to work, I'll add a bit of water, mix it all up, and nuke it for 2 minutes.

Stuff I like to add:

• Tablespoon of roasted sunflower seeds and teaspoon of brown sugar (ala Less Is Enough)
• My own dirty version of Gingersnap Oatmeal which includes about a dash (or however much you'd like) of the following: vanilla, cloves, ginger, cinnamon & nutmeg, plus about a teaspoon of brown sugar and about a tablespoon of ground up blanched, slivered almonds.

Anyone else have ideas for oatmeal add-ins? I can't quite bring myself to try that savory version in the post with the Gingersnap Oatmeal... especially for breakfast.

Updates

1. I'm not sure if anyone cares about this at all, but our grocery/food spending total for mid-April through mid-May was $290.65. (My tally is running from mid-month for some silly reason. It works though, so I'm not about to try to adjust it now!) This is roughly $2.34/day for the 4 of us, but it also included a dinner for my daughter's birthday party that was almost completely home cooked and where we fed 4 additional people (and had cake and ice cream)...
2. ... which I think led almost directly to update #2. Weight at 137 this morning. I'm not changing the name of the blog, damnit. I'm just going to do better. I'm seriously considering going back to using Dietpower. I hate being close to admitting that I failed at something.
3. Still not getting to the gym for 6am class like I want. I've gone in the morning exactly zero times so far this week. I have to get to sleep earlier if I want to wake up at 5:15. (see update #2. These things are related. I suck and I know it.)
   
4. I really appreciate everyone that's dropped by because of 365 Dollar Year. If you have things you'd like me to talk about (or not talk about, as the case may be), by all means, please please let me know. If you don't want to post in the comments, feel free to email me instead - last.sixteen@gmail.com.

Challenge Redux

(AKA The Family Mutiny)

After my self-imposed fail at j.'s challenge, I wanted to give it another go. I decided to make something both vegan, and entirely comprised of ingredients I already had in the house. This was my best solution for not going over the $5 limit! A search for "simple vegan recipes" brought me to Compassion Over Killing, and in the dinner recipes section, I found what I was looking for.

I had about 8oz. of tofu in the fridge that needed to be used, and I had made a pound of black beans in the rice cooker/steamer last night. Thus, I present...

Spicy Black Bean Burgers & "Chicken" Nuggets!

I've made lots of things with black beans before, but never burgers, so this was something new for the challenge. I've also seen j. making what she calls "popcorn" tofu, which seems similar except these are coated with bread crumbs instead of flour and baked instead of pan fried.

A friend and I went to England for our senior trip in high school. We spent about 10 days there, and it was an amazing, totally memorable experience. And of course one of the things I remember is the food. (I'm obsessed, y'know?) Since I had only been a veg a few years, and I had been subsisting mostly on Wheat Thins and peanut butter, it was a happy accident that I came across the "BK Spicy Black Bean Burger" at Burger King. They never brought it to the States as far as I know, but I had one just about every day while we were in London. This was my attempt to make something similar, and to be honest, it wasn't even close, but I enjoyed my creation anyway.

My family? Yeah, that's a different story...

My 3 year old ate a couple of the nuggets, took one bite of the burger, stuck out her tongue and said it was "too hot" (meaning spicy). My 11 year old ate a few bites of his burger, kept asking what was in it, decided to put cheese on it, took a couple more bites, then added barbecue sauce before he said he didn't want any more. He also took a tiny piece of a nugget and said it was gross. My husband said "I would send this back at a soup kitchen." He then covered it in barbecue sauce and ate it anyway. I think that pretty much sums up his feelings on the subject.

I thought everything was good... definitely different that what we're used to eating... but I don't think I'll ever get away with feeding this to the family again...

We're like the 3 bears - we each get our own size burger

Black Bean Burgers
Serves 4 (give or take)
Adapted from Compassion Over Killing

• 2 cups cooked black beans
  
• 1/3 cup diced and sauteed onions
• 3 slices multigrain bread, finely crumbled (I used the blender's processor attachment & added a tiny bit of olive oil while processing)
  
• 1/2 teaspoon each of garlic powder, black pepper, and onion powder (optional)
• 1/4 teaspoon salt (optional)
• tiny dash of cayenne pepper (also optional)
  

In a large bowl, mash the black beans. Add the sauteed onions, 3/4 of the crumbled bread, and spices. Mix thoroughly. Using your hands, form the mixture into 1/2-inch thick patties. For a breaded burger, gently coat each patty with the rest of the bread crumbs. (I dipped mine in water before coating to help it stick).

In a lightly oiled non-stick pan, fry both sides of the patties. Serve with a garnish of lettuce, tomatoes, avocado, and any other condiments on buns or over a bed of rice.

"Chicken" Nuggets
Serves 4
Adapted from Compassion Over Killing

• 1 14-ounce package of extra-firm tofu
  
• 1/2 cup bread crumbs
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper
• salt, to taste
• 1/2 cup water

Drain the tofu, gently squeeze out any excess moisture, and cut into 1-inch cubes. You may want to squeeze them again carefully after they're in cubes to get them as dry as possible.

Preheat the oven to 350°F.

In a shallow bowl, add the bread crumbs and spices, mixing well. In a separate bowl, pour 1/2 cup of water.

Dip each piece of tofu first into the water, lightly shake off any excess water, and then coat with the seasoned bread crumbs.

Put the breaded tofu cubes on a lightly oiled baking pan and baked 25 to 30 minutes, turning them over half way through cooking, until golden brown and crisp.

Serve with a dipping sauce such as sweet and sour or barbecue, or spicy mustard.

Challenge Accepted

On Friday, j. from 365 Dollar Year challenged any takers to make something at home that you've previously only bought. She says this is partially inspired by my forays into previously uncharted cooking... and I'm way flattered.

Pretty quickly, I remembered a recipe that I came across Wednesday on Cheap Healthy Good for Butternut Squash Risotto that I had been eyeballing anyway. This recipe had not one, but two elements that were new to me, and I was totally excited about it. So excited that I failed to read j's challenge closely enough. She said "No more than $5 worth of extra stuff brought in- if you can't make it with what you've already got and $5, try something else." I'm going to calculate the cost at the end, but I'm awfully close, if not a bit over.

Alright, so first of all, why this recipe was a challenge to me: 1) The only squash I've ever cooked before is zucchini and the little yellow zucchini-like ones. 2) I have never in my life made risotto. I've never in my life eaten risotto either, as far as I know. This part was a big deal to me. I've seen it made on TV cooking shows, and it always seemed so difficult to prepare and easy to screw up that it's never even been on my radar. I'm giving myself a half-fail on the squash though, as Trader Joe's didn't have it whole, and I didn't have time to make another stop. I've been whining about packaged food and I bought packaged squash! I'm such a dork.

Risotto Ingredients

You start out by dicing an onion and cubing the squash. Then the squash goes into a saucepan with a few sage leaves, some salt, and some of the broth. This cooks until the squash is tender, then gets set aside until near the end.


Then you start on the rice. First you cook some more sage and the diced onion for a few minutes. Then the dry rice goes in for a few minutes more. Next is the wine, then you start adding in the stock, just a bit at a time.



While you're going through the process of incorporating the stock into the rice, you crisp up about 10 sage leaves in some butter. I'll come back to these, because they're little bits of buttery heaven that can't be overlooked.



Finally, after all the stock has been absorbed by the rice, you add in the cooked squash, parmesan cheese, and a bit more butter.


I topped it off with the crispy sage leaves, remembered to take pictures, then tentatively dug in.

Oh My God. It's creamy and decadent and totally amazing. The flavor of the rice by itself is fantastic, but when you add a bit of the crisp sage leaf to a bite it's... wow. Just wow. The sage leaves absorbed the butter taste, and that gets combined with everything else in the bite to make a flavor that you want to just let sit there on your tongue for a while.

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Butternut Squash Risotto
Makes 6 1-1/2 cup servings
Adapted from Chez Panisse via The Wednesday Chef via Cheap Healthy Good.

1 medium butternut squash (about 1 pound whole or 12 ounces cut up)
24 sage leaves
Salt and pepper
7 to 8 cups fat-free chicken (or veggie) stock
1 medium onion, diced small
3 1/2 tablespoons unsalted butter
2 cups uncooked Arborio rice
1/2 cup dry white wine
1/2 cup parmesan, grated

1) Peel squash, then dice into very small (1/4- or 1/3-inch) cubes. Combine squash, a few sage leaves, 1 cup stock, and a little salt in a heavy-bottomed pot. Bring to a simmer and cook until tender (but not too soft) about 5 to 10 minutes. (You want the cubes to keep their form when they’re stirred into the risotto.) Drain and reserve liquid, just in case.

2) While squash is cooking, add the rest of the stock to another pot, bring to a simmer, and keep it there. Meanwhile, finely chop 6 large sage leaves.

3) In another, larger, heavy-bottomed saucepan, heat 2 tablespoons of butter over medium until melted. Add chopped sage and cook about 1 minute. Add onion and cook until translucent, about 5 minutes. Turn heat to low, add rice and a pinch of salt and cook for 3 minutes, stirring often, until rice has turned slightly translucent. Turn the heat back up to medium, and add the white wine. Once the wine has been absorbed, add enough hot stock to cover the rice. Stir well and reduce the heat back down to medium-low.

4) Gently simmer the rice, stirring occasionally, until stock is absorbed. Add another 1/2-to-3/4 cup warm stock, and stir occasionally until new stock is absorbed. Repeat the process until all the stock has been absorbed by the rice, and rice is tender. This could take anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes. (It took me closer to 30.)

5) While all this is going on, sauté 10 sage leaves in a 1/2 tablespoon of butter until crisp, about 30 to 60 seconds, turning once halfway through. Rest on paper towel.

6) When rice is mostly tender, add cooked squash, parmesan, and the remaining tablespoon of butter. Cook 3 to 5 minutes, until dairy is melted and squash is heated through. Salt and pepper to taste. Serve hot, using sage leaves as garnish.

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Here's my calculations for the challenge:

1 medium butternut squash - $1.99 packaged
24 sage leaves - $1.79 (I only used about 1/3 of the package, but I'm not certain I'll use any more of it before it goes bad, so I'm charging myself full price on this one)
Salt and pepper - pantry
7 to 8 cups fat-free chicken (or veggie) stock - pantry
1 medium onion, diced small - pantry
3 1/2 tablespoons unsalted butter - pantry (well, fridge, but you get the idea)
2 cups uncooked Arborio rice - $1.67 (The package was $2.29 for 11 servings, but I only used 8, and I anticipate that I'll use the rest at some point, so, discount!)
1/2 cup dry white wine - pantry (I did buy this, but we usually keep wine in the house so I'm not counting it for the total - yay "2 buck Chuck")
1/2 cup parmesan, grated - pantry

Total purchased ingredients: $5.45

So I fail the challenge, but I had such a good time doing it, it was well worth it!
Also, j., I'm sorry this isn't vegan or within your $1/day budget. I'll try to find another recipe this week that will fall into those categories too.

Final random thoughts on the challenge...

• Yay cooking challenge!
• This was not terribly difficult to make, and at no point (other than before I actually started) did I think I was going to f*ck it up.
• This recipe took about 1.5 hours of prep/cooking... so while I would absolutely make it again, it's not going into the weekly veg/starch rotation.
• Hubby said it was "herb-y." I think that was a good thing?
  
• I'm guessing I could have come in under the $5 mark if I had bought a whole squash.
• Or if I could grow my own sage.
• Or rice.
• These thoughts are getting a bit too random...
  

Anticipatory Eating

Do you ever find yourself eating more than you probably should in a day because you know you have something out of the ordinary planned, and you're not sure when you'll have a chance to eat? Or worse - and this is where I'm 100% guilty - have you ever started eating more because you were just planning to go to the gym, but you somehow never got there? *sheepishly raises hand* That's me.

A couple weeks ago I had to modify my work schedule. Alright, the truth is they told me I had better start actually getting there on time instead of 10-15 minutes late every day. I'm a horrible morning person and now you know. I would stay up until 4am and sleep 'til noon every day if I could. Somehow I decided that the best way to ensure that I was up and moving and on time to work was to get to the gym every morning for an hour-long class at 6am, then shower and dress for work at the gym. (I probably decided this in the morning, so the two morning things should have canceled each other out... why did this not happen?!)

Once I made the decision to get up 1.5 hours earlier than absolutely necessary, I found myself starting to eat more during the day. In anticipation of the workout I was planning the next morning. And then I was failing to get out of bed on time to actually make it to the class! I made it there like twice this week, twice last week, and maybe once the week before. This is bad on so many levels that I should probably just delete this now and never admit to anyone what a complete idiot I am.

First off... since I'm trying to lose weight, I should be increasing gym time and not increasing calorie intake. Secondly, even if I might need an extra *small* snack on days I work out twice, I certainly don't need it in anticipation of a work out that may or may not happen.

Does anyone else do this? Have you found a way to stop? Because if I keep this up, I'm going to have to rename the blog and I would hate that. Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated.

Big Food

This weekend we had some family in town, and for dinner one night we chose a place I've been waiting to try for a while now: Hash House a Go Go. They call it "Twisted Farm Food," and since I like twisted (occasionally) and farm food (usually), I figured it would be terrific. A friend that's been there said the food is great and enormous. I didn't understand.

Their food was actually... absurd. Seriously. It was really delicious, and really REALLY HUGE. I laughed out loud when they set down my husband's dinner plate. I couldn't help it. The plate took up his entire side and part of mine. If we had ordered the same thing, we couldn't have sat across from each other... our plates would have been hanging over the side. Picture Fred Flintstone and the brontosaurus ribs... it was that ridiculous. His dad ordered the chicken pot pie, and when he was finished eating, it looked exactly the same as when it arrived. We've had leftovers for days now.

On our way home, we mulled over why they chose to make the portions so immense. It's not like the prices were outrageous. We paid the same for an entree there as we would have at most other sit-down type places, and far less than we could have paid. I'm fairly confident our family of four could have eaten one $15.95 entree and still taken home leftovers. In this society of excess, why contribute? I honestly don't know the answer. The best we could come up with is that the sheer silliness kept us talking about the place long after we left.

I Should Probably Get a Life

When I'm walking through the parking lot, and the car that nearly hits me has the license plate 761*TVP - and all I can think of is this TVP - I think it's safe to assume I've been reading too many vegetarian blogs.

My Southern Ex-Grandma-in-Law

Sadly, one of the only things I miss about my ex is his Mississippi Grandma (or G’ma as she would write on notes and cards). She died, much too young, a few years before we split. My son is named after her. I still miss her. Not just her kindness, and the way she looked out for us as a couple just starting out, but her southern cooking. She had a deep and abiding love for all foodstuffs of the south, which included - much to my dismay - way too many ways to cook with a pig. Although I stopped eating piggies when I was thirteen, I’m fairly certain that I consumed some pig fat at her house a time or two. Most times, I could discern the usual suspects (white gravy with little bits of bacon floating along), but there were a few times I wasn’t sure, and at some point, I hated to keep asking. And to her credit, much as she was set in her ways by the time she met me, I did see her make a conscious effort to use veg oil in place of the grease sometimes when I was around.

She really did everything that you might imagine a southern Grandma doing. There were hundreds of beautiful plants and blooming flowers in her yard, and she cared for each by hand (and on her hands and knees). There were several hummingbird feeders outside her kitchen window, and she loved to just sit at the table and enjoy the view. She’d bake up cookies and cakes, or a cheesy casserole, then pack it all up and head over to a friend’s for an evening of Bunco and a few drinks. There were homemade biscuits and gravy on the weekends (including a delicious tomato gravy that I convinced myself couldn’t possibly be made with bacon grease. Could it?). She harvested collard greens and squash, corn and okra and green beans from the little community garden down the street, then brought them home and cooked them down in big pots. The resulting deliciousness was then canned, or more often baggied and frozen in her giant stand-up deep freeze that she kept in the laundry room. Except for what was left out to be enjoyed immediately, which we did, to much excess.

I credit her with sparking my love for cooking. Before we lived with her for a time, the extent of my cooking experience was pretty much mac and cheese (or if it was a flush month, Velveeta Shells & Cheese) in an electric coffeepot in the dorms. Sure, I had made pancakes and grilled cheese with my parents growing up, but I had never really enjoyed the process before. I stopped eating red meat somewhere around thirteen, and at that time, I thought the height of vegetarian cooking was stuffing green peppers with rice, tofu and tomato sauce. I’m pretty sure I lived on Wheat Thins and peanut butter for the rest of high school (except when my dad decided that as a newly minted sorta-vegetarian, I should be eating pine nuts. Never mind that he had no suggestions as to what to put them on – he just read an article that mentioned they were a food that vegetarians ate).

That’s not to say that my early experiments at her house weren’t disastrous. I can distinctly remember deciding at the store one day that I should be eating eggplant and balsamic vinegar. Don’t ask me why, I really couldn’t tell you now. I had never cooked with either of these ingredients before, but into the skillet they went. Together, and alone. I guess I was hoping for some sort of vegetarian food revelation, but what I got was very brown, very bitter, kinda raw eggplant. It was inedible.

I did learn a lot from her. And one of the things that I’ve kept all these years is a stained and crumply piece of notebook paper that has a few of her favorite recipes written out by hand. Just about everything calls for “oleo.” Can you imagine? One calls for a can of Schlitz beer. Schlitz! Do they even make that anymore? That page was one of the first that I dug out and gently slid into the plastic sheet when I created my very first loose-leaf recipe binder. I’m certain that most of what she cooked wasn’t healthy by any measure. But it all came from her heart, and sometimes when you’re cooking, that’s truly all that matters.

Cooking Rant

I know I said I want to talk about cooking here, and yet I have mentioned nary a recipe or food (except Doritos, and I'm pretty sure they don’t technically count). And so, without much further ado, a cooking post...

...Well, first, a little further ado. I do need to make it perfectly clear that when I talk about cooking, that in no way do I fancy myself as anything other than a home cook trying to find ways to feed her family “cheap, healthy, good." Wow, too bad Kris and the other folks there already named their blog that or I totally would have been all over that name. Anyway, I digress... Recently, in an attempt to reduce our food budget, I have been trying my hand at more and more things that were firmly ensconced in the “buy in a package because it’s way too freaking hard to make” category for me. I roasted my first chicken! (and to my complete amazement, it really did make 17 servings for us.) I’ve been making homemade bread and pizza dough! I’ve made salad dressing and granola and pot stickers!

These things may come as second nature to some home cooks, but for me, each one was deep in the realm of “must buy in package, definitely don’t even know where to start to make this.” In fact, the only time we ate whole chicken was when we got rotisserie from the market. What a fool I’ve been! These things can be so easy and taste so much better than any crap you can buy pre-made. Plus, added satisfaction of feeding your family things you are familiar with and they can pronounce all the ingredients. Bonus!

I saw a link on Cheap Healthy Good last week to an article by Michael Ruhlman that talks about the effect of 30 minute meals on our families and society. I believe he was dead wrong about at least one of the two examples he gave (I've seen Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals a few times, and though I question if what she does can really be done in 30 minutes, she does cook actual food from actual whole ingredients.) Oh yeah - and he sounded like a total dick - but the point he made was valid. What are we telling our kids when we don’t take a little time to cook some meals a few days a week? We tell them they need to eat healthy, eat their vegetables… but they never see what healthy looks like at home. They see vegetables from a can (that really are disgusting looking… how can we really blame them for turning their noses up at canned green beans?), meat and potatoes from boxes. Or worse, they see an endless parade of fast food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Is anyone really surprised that our kids are gaining weight along with the rest of us?

And to make it worse, the proverbial "they" try to tell us that it will be cheap! and easy! and fast! if we eat this packaged junk. Several months ago, when this recession was in full swing and everyone was trying to jump on the savings bandwagon, one of the grocery stores in town started doing this “4 for $15” promotion. You could go in and buy, right from a single case waiting by the entrance, dinner to feed four people for $15. I remember thinking at the time what a scam this was. Even then when I wasn’t on this crazy money saving kick, I knew I could feed my family of four for much less than $15, and have it be less processed and healthier than anything they were pushing! Their idea of a $15 dinner was a packaged meat product, a packaged salad, and packaged French bread.

omg, rant over. This is supposed to be a cooking post, right?

pretty pot stickers

The really fantastic thing about trying to cook and eat healthier is trying all these new things. On Friday night, I made some vegetarian pot stickers that I found on j’s 365 Dollar Year blog. I made just a few modifications, added some chopped mushroom (before they went bad in the fridge), a bit of sesame oil, and some more salt (I know, I know, bring on the sodium police. I’m aware there was soy sauce in there already. It still needed it).

scallion, carrot and edamame for fried rice

finished fried rice

They came out beautiful and yummy, and with some stir fried brown rice and veggies, they made an awesome Friday night dinner. For around $2.50 total for the four of us.

please don't get me started on the plate! :)

Take that, big supermarket scam!

I’m Sorry to Tell You that I am Not the Biggest Loser

My husband hates reality TV. He especially hates The Biggest Loser, and will make rude comments about the show and the contestants when I have it on, simply to needle me. He just doesn't get it.

You see, he's one of 'those' guys. He's never had a weight problem in his life, and most likely never will. He can eat obscene amounts of junk and never gain an ounce. It's sickening really. I love him and loathe his metabolism. I will freely admit that I'm jealous. I eat a Dorito one day, and the next it's right there, hanging out on my ass in a little triangle form. I can only hope for our daughter's sake that she got his metabolic blessing and not mine.

But back to the show. He'll ask why I "watch this crap." I try to explain but it all comes out sounding rather obnoxious and self-righteous, and I wish I had a better way to put it into words that didn't take an entire blog post. Maybe I can get him to read this instead...

I enjoy the show because it reminds me of where I've been, and where I could be again in a heartbeat if I didn't at least try to keep a handle on it. It makes me feel good about the progress I've made. It makes me remember that you can sweat your guts out for hours, be utterly convinced that you're going to die during this workout, and come out feeling the happiest you've ever felt in your life. It makes me wonder how a girl can get over 300 pounds and not already be doing something to change that... yesterday... last month... a hundred pounds ago (remember what I said earlier about sounding obnoxious? yeah... I'm sorry). I marvel at their determination and ability to say "screw it... I'm going to get mostly naked on TV, and who the hell cares which jiggly bits are hanging out for the world to see." I would never, could never, do that in a million, billion years. I'm still a little flabbergasted that I've posted two entries that include my weight on a blog that anyone could accidentally read.

I've been over 200 pounds twice in my life. The first was due to nothing more than greed, gluttony and laziness. I was younger and determined then, and most of it came off pretty quickly. Which lead directly to time number two. The second was due to pregnancy (and pancakes and Taco Bell, Pop Tarts and milk... the only things I could stomach for a few months with my first born. I still tell him that's what he's made of). I will never go back there again. I hate myself when I'm fat. The kind of hate that had me standing in front of a mirror pulling on fat rolls and wondering if I could somehow get up the nerve to insert the hose from the vacuum into them in a desperate attempt at homemade liposuction. The kind of hate that had me thinking - literally every minute of every day - how ugly and disgusting I was. It still took me a good couple of years to actually do something about that hate. And now that I've lost most of it, I am painfully aware of how quickly I could be right back there, staring at a number I can't quite believe and wondering how to take the first step to fixing it.

That's why I mention the thing about my husband and why he doesn't get it. You have to have been there to understand how it feels to have this running inner dialogue saying "omg I'm fat" "I'm so fat I don't want anyone to look at me" "I'm really gross" "I hate the way the fat roll on my stomach feels when I sit down" "holy fuck I'm fat" "I have to do something about this" "right after I eat half this block of cheese on some tortillas." I thought all of these things and a bazillion more. None of it kept me from continuing to eat crap and sit on my ass. Not for a while anyway. What I really hope someone can take from this is that... wait... sorry... huge cliche coming... you can change it all if you just set your mind to it.

Obviously the power of positive thinking isn't going to melt pounds off your body.

Hmm... note to self... invent Incredible Positive Thinking Fat Melting Machine...

What I mean is that in order to make the necessary change, you first have to wrap your brain around the idea. You have to hit your own personal rock bottom. You have to learn enough about food and cooking to be able to make more than one healthy meal, and to know what a healthy meal consists of. You have to find a way to move - at your own pace - in a gym or around your block or in your living room - every day. You have to figure out what's going to work for you. It's not going to be an epiphany either. Finding what works is an ongoing process. But you have to find the healthiest, most sustainable choices that will work for you to start.

And so I watch The Biggest Loser and wish I could spend countless hours in the gym every day. I wasn't granted the ridiculous metabolism of... some other people I know... and some days it seems like no matter what I eat, if it's over like 1300 calories a day, I'm not going to lose a bit of weight. So I work out. I really would go every day if I could. It's what works for me, usually even if I'm not perfect with my food. It's why I've gained six pounds in six months instead of twenty.

Honey, I watch The Biggest Loser because I won't ever be the biggest loser. I'll just have to keep trying.